Back to Members' page

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter...... Eskimo Pi 

2000 pounds of Chinese soup...........Won ton 

1 millionth of a mouthwash............1 microscope 

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour....... 
Knot-furlong 

Rules for Chocolate

If you get melted chocolte all over your hands, you are eating it too slowly.

A  nice box of chocolate provides your total daily intake of calories in one go.

Two phrases:  Money talks.  Chocolate sings.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Answer:  Because no one wants to quit.

Without chocolate there would be no need for control-top tights, and an entire garment industry would be devastated.

Coffee should be -
    As black as night,
    As bitter as death,
    And as sweet as love.

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter...... Eskimo Pi 

2000 pounds of Chinese soup...........Won ton 

1 millionth of a mouthwash............1 microscope 

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour....... Knot-furlong 

Rules for Chocolate

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you are eating it too slowly.

A  nice box of chocolate provides your total daily intake of calories in one go.

Two phrases:  Money talks.  Chocolate sings.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Answer:  Because no one wants to quit.

Without chocolate there would be no need for control-top tights, and an 

entire garment industry would be devastated.

Inexperienced!

A 5 year-old girlfriend announced to my son of the same age, "I am 
going to have a baby." 
My son replied," No, you can't, because you need a father." 
"All right" she said, "you follow me around." 
Less confident now he protested, "Well, I don't know what to do, I 
haven't played this game before."

E.T. Aldgate, S.A.

From www.online-cooking-recipes.com

One afternoon a man came home from work to find
total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, 
playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers 
strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front 
door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw
rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon 
channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and 
various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food 
was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the 
floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small 
pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and 
more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious 
had happened.
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled 
in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here 
today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when 
you come home from work and ask me what in the world 
did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

The following is from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook intended 
for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. 

THEN:

PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed 
when your husband arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your 
hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary 
people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day 
may need a lift. 

CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER. Make one last trip through the main part of the 
house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, 
toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband 
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give 
you a lift too.


NOW:

PREPARE YOURSELF: Make sure to change out of your work clothes into 
something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not . . . after 
all, it's most likely his T-shirt and boxers. 

CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER: Yeah right! Tell the kids and your husband if 
they want maid service, they better call one! 

Every year there was an "eat all you can" contest at the fair  to see who could eat the most. Who ever could eat the most would be declared the winner and receive the fair's grand prize. Billy's mother knew he was going to try because he was a rather large bloke but he had never participated before. 

So when the day finally came, Billy got up on the podium along with the others, sat down and prepared to eat as much as he could. When he came home his mother asked him how it went and if he had won. He had a big grin on his face and said: "Oh sure, it was a piece of cake!" :)

Cooking brownies with kids

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Billy and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while
removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and
windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the
call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct
dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that
you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside
while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:


1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it
away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you
didn't know Billy had slipped out of the house and was heading
for the street. Put Billy in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly
for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a
garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for
ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

http://home.iprimus.com.au/creyes/jokes.htm#how

Sorry for eating the peanuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

World religions

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring  something related to their family's faith to class. 

At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the  students. 

The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is  my prayer rug." 

The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is  my Star of David." 

The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is  my rosary." 

The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and  this is my casserole dish."

Cindy's Cooking Diary

Dear Diary,

April 30: Now home from   honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made   angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls."

May 7: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

May 14: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

May 21: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving."   Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

May 28: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

June 4: Bob did the shopping today and brought home  a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  (oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

May 11: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger.  Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the  hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.  It still came out hamburger, much to my  disappointment.

June 18: Good bye, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting couple of months. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose." 

Elephant Stew

1 elephant - medium size
Salt and pepper to taste
2 rabbits -optional
Brown gravy - lots

Cut elephant into small bite size pieces (this will take 2 months.) Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire for 4 weeks at 450 F. This will serve 3,800 people.

If more are expected, the rabbits may be added. But do this only if necessary, as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.

Darlene Morton :)

Statistics

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English
that is the problem.

Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were
able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You
know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't
see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the
entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to
teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $10,000 a year
for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the
chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

She wrote the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel I
stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the
driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only
son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious."

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends!

(Excuses, excuses..., -Lars J)  ; )

Milk production

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.

Next week Japanese and German milk production.

next page