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Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter.  What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating 
it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration  problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do  with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed  the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of  the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm  running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the  check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check: 
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00 

http://jokes.glowport.com

One free mud pie recipe. 

One day, I was walking along the sidewalk when I  saw a small boy sitting in his yard making mud pies.

I remarked, "Those look pretty good."

"Yep", he said. "Wanna try one?"

I laughed and said "No, but I would like to buy the  recipe." I was feeling good and thought that would please the small boy.

He was pleased and said "OK, I'll run into the  house and write it for you and it will only be 5."

Well, 5 cents to please a small boy was fine with  me so I said "Do it." He soon came running back out and handed me the  recipe. I started to hand him the nickel but he  wouldn't take it and started yelling for his mom. His mom came outside and asked what I was doing  to her son. I started explaining about the deal.  When I was through, she glared at me and said "
It's 5 dollars, not 5 cents."

Well, the kid was crying now, the neighbors were  coming out of their houses and were staring at me, so I took out a 5 dollar 
bill and threw it at the kid, grabbed the recipe and walked away.

After a few steps, I turned around and said "This  is a rip off and I am going to share this recipe  with everyone I know."

Well, the kid cried louder and the mother said  "I wish you wouldn't do that."

"Too late for that, lady." I said.

So here it is, folks. One free mud pie recipe.  Enjoy!

One cup dirt, sifted.
One cup water.
Mix well and spread on a paper plate. 
Makes one.

Feel free to pass this on :)

Forwarded by rupa@rupa.com (Rupa Schomaker)

From: W.E.MEANS.JR.@worldnet.att.net (Walter Means)

These are just adorable! We had to include this (long) set of responses from kids. Enjoy :)

Bret from cardboardcondo.com tips on love 
Posted 3-20-2001 21:41 

Tips on love. All questions were answered by kids
age 5 to 10. 

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? 
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have
to work anymore, and you can spend all your time
loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8) 
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to
find me a wife." (Tom, 5) 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first
date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date." (Mike, 9) 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should
never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks
to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause
she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10) 

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big 
embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if 
nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9) 

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR
MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single but
not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up
after them." (Lynette, 9) "It gives me a
headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a
kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 
7) 

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO
PARTICULAR PEOPLE: "No one is sure why it
happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant
are so popular." (Jan, 9) "I think you're
supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so
painful." (Harlen, 8) 

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: "Like an
avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like
learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It
takes too long." (Leo, 7) 

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE: "If you want
to be loved by somebody who isn't already in
your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look.
Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I
haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) 
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can
last a long time." (Christine, 9) 

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: "They
want to make sure their rings don't fall off 
because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) 

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor
of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6) "Love
will find you, even if you are trying to hide 
from it. I have been trying to hide from it since
I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love.
I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina,
10) 

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD
LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a
check. Because even if you have tons of love,
there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8) 

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE
WITH YOU: "Tell them that you own a whole bunch
of candy stores." (Del, 6) "Don't do things
like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as
love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl
out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes
to eat. French fries usually work for me."
(Bart, 9) 

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT
A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man
picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love." (John, 9) "Lovers will just be
staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8) "It's love if they order one of those
desserts that are on fire. They like to order
those because it's just like how their hearts
are on fire." (Christine, 9) 

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I
LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking, Yeah, I
really do love him. But I hope he showers at
least once a day." (Michelle, 9) 

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS: "You learn it right
on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best
of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap
operas all day." (Carin, 9) 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never
okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you ... that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 
10) 

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE: "Spend most of your
time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) 
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget
that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8) 

Chicken salad for two hundred

This recipe actually did exist! Any of you planning on having a big, BIG party? :)

Thirty chickens, cooked and cut medium fine, fifty  heads of celery, two gallons of good strong vinegar,  three pounds of light brown sugar, ten cents worth of  yellow mustard, three pounds of butter, four dozen  eggs, boiled hard. 

Chop whites, and cream yolks with butter. Boil  vinegar and sugar together, and skim; add the  creamed butter and yolks; also, mustard, salt and  pepper to taste; let stand until cold; then pour over  the celery and chicken; mix thoroughly, and add the  whites of eggs. If unable to get celery, use crisp  cabbage, with ten cents worth of celery seed. If  you use celery seed, boil it in the vinegar.

Mrs. W.H. Eckhart

From "funny stories":

Ice-cream with a spice.

It was rather late and one of my dad's favorite TV shows was on, can't

Now here're the shocking part: I opened the cupboard to get my favorite (and only) topping when I realized that I almost took the red chili sauce bottle instead...uh-oh... Now these bottles look almost exactly the same and then it hit me, I mixed up the bottles when I gave my dad some. I quickly ran upstairs to tell my dad, I was sure I gave him the right one because he didn't say anything. When I asked him if is ice-cream was all right he just sort of smiled in embarrassment and said," well...it was a bit strange...maybe even a little hot." I don't think my mom and I ever laughed so hard before. Yuck! I found out he didn't say anything because he didn't want to make me feel bad and complain about how the ice-cream tasted. He was also watching his favorite TV program so maybe he wasn't paying too much attention. My golly!

Lars Jensen

Laws of Physics?

I was making dinner late one night when I decided to make some sauce. I'm usually pretty good with making sauces but not this time. I have two cups that sort of close on each other, don't know what you call it, and then you shake it well. Well... I did that and a little more. Seconds later the two cups just exploded open and I had sauce all over my kitchen! It took me nearly half an hour just to clean up the mess. Not only was it all over the walls and the floor but also on me! Aaaaargh!!!!!

Stoffer Leiling

These are actual directions found on certain products around the world! 

1. Directions found on a bag of Frito corn chips.
"You could be a winner!!! No purchase necessary!!! Details inside!"
You think to yourself, (Shoplifters special?)

calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average 
individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Who made this Christmas cake?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.

What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said .
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

How would you get four reindeer in a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!
And how do you get four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
                               

(Yes it' true!)

We really thought this site was neat. They have some good funny cooking jokes here. Even the music is funny. 

http://home.iprimus.com.au/creyes/jokes.htm

Bills travel through mail at twice the speed of checks.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Hee Hee!

 When my child asked me that all important question, I bravely followed current instructions and told her the truth to the best of my ability. Then, the next day, a very superior young lady came home from school and told me scornfully, "I don't know where you got that silly idea about babies, mom. Don't you know the Stork brings them? Teacher told us today."

A. J., Taren Point, N.S.W

365 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling...... 1 lite year 

1000 aches................1 megahurtz 

Basic unit of laryngitis.............1 hoarsepower 

Half of the large intestine..........1 semicolon

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