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=> Article; Restaurant Lobster Fare: Nearby Diners Beware!

=> New Recipes of the Week

=> Drinks bar

=> Joke/Story of the Week

=> Hot Tip

=> Next week's Issue

=> How to Be Featured as our Guest Writer

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Article: 

Restaurant Lobster Fare: Nearby Diners Beware!

Lobster is my favorite food in the whole world. Eating one, however, is more

than a sumptuous meal; it is an art form requiring great finesse. All of my

adult life I have tried to eat lobster like a lady and been thwarted with

every turn of the seafood fork. It seems impossible, almost like discovering

the treasure of the Sierra Madre or maybe just like Perry Como’s old song,

to eat this wonderful delicacy without getting part of it all over myself

and other parts over innocent bystanders. There should be a sign next to my

table that reads to all those who might sit there: Eat Here At Your Own

Risk

Whenever I order a lobster I always ask the wait-person for several bibs;

one for me, one for my boyfriend sitting across from me, one for every one

else seated at our table and one for all of those unfortunate enough to be

seated at the table to my immediate left. (I am right handed and food flies

proportional to seating. Trust me. I know.) After all the bibs are in place,

I spend a nostalgic moment or two naming and apologizing to the poor red

creature who has died such a piteous death so that I might eat. The guilt

soon passes and then I proceed.

I have my very own system. I have never noticed what other people do as I am

usually too busy eating to care. First, I eat the guts; you know, that green

stuff in the middle of all that sweet meat. Most people don’t like it and

that¹s where I get lucky. Usually, others pass me their "green stuff".

(Sometimes I trade it for a small claw or two, but not if I can help it; the

whole lobster is mine, sayeth the Lord.) After I devour the guts, I proceed

to the white meat that’s out of the shell and easy to get to. Things are

usually just fine until I arrive at the second lobster plateau where the

meat is going to give me a run for my money. Here’s where those small forks

that are an attempt to lend some decorum to a barbarian populace cause some

trouble. They are far too delicate for the job. Some meat is very stubborn

and it is difficult to pry it out of the shell with such a little implement.

The crackers provided at the table to split the shells bring me to my next

course of action. I know my Emily Post, but I still say that they are not

sufficient. Miniature drills and shovels are much more effective and should

be at the table setting of every lobster-loving patron. The final stage

involves those small claws. Here’s where things can really get messy. The

meat here is fabulous, but pocketed in almost microscopic openings. I have

found only one effective way to extract it and that’s to suck it out. I mean

gently, I mean quietly, but suck it out nonetheless. Have fun with it. Who

cares who sees me? I’m not running for office, or are am I? (If you are runningfor

office, then eat lobster at home. I will cover that a little later.)

Allow me to linger on the subject of "crackers" for just a moment more. On a

summer night on the Jersey shore a number of years ago a few friends and I

went to dinner at a local restaurant. The disposable plastic crackers

provided at each table setting told me there would be trouble right away for

all of us die-hard lobster fans. My very first thought was that they didn’t

look strong enough to crack lobster shells, but I said nothing. When our

lobsters arrived we were all very hungry. I was the first of five people to

dig in.

I gobbled the guts, as I usually do, and had already eaten the sweet meat in

the middle. Undaunted, I used the cracker to break off the shell from one of

the large claws. A moment later the only thing in my hand was the cracker.

The runaway claw had flown through the air and landed smack in the middle of

the next table. (Fortunately, no one was seated there). We all laughed and I

was very embarrassed, but things did not end there. One of my friends was

cracking a claw and it slipped out of her hands, whizzed past my head and

landed on the floor on the other side of the table. She couldn’t even FIND

her cracker afterwards. (It could have been worse. She could have lost the

claw!)

Preparing lobster at home has its advantages, but unexpected repercussions

can still occur as this true story will illustrate. One of my friends was

married to a wealthy executive and about ten years ago he had a 30-pound

South African lobster shipped in ice to his home. He instructed his wife to

put it in a big pot and set the dining room table for 12 people. She did as

she was told and then went to her bedroom to call her husband to tell him that

things were going according to plan. She was alarmed at the sudden barking

of her French poodle, Antoine, and the hissing of her Siamese cat, Ming. She

looked up from the phone and saw two large feelers wiggling in the air and

crossing the corridor in front of her bedroom. The cat pounced on it as if

it were a mouse and the dog cowered in a corner, growling and barking at the

shelled intruder.

She began screaming into the phone as she jumped up and down on the bed.

What she hoped this would accomplish has never been clear. "Come home!"

she cried. "It's mad at me and it’s loose! Runaway King Kong Lobster!" South

African lobsters can be enormous. Like their smaller brethren, they must be

placed in boiling water head first in order to die quickly and painlessly.

The water in her pot was luke warm and the creature didn’t like being there.

He (or she) lifted the lid with its weight and went for a stroll through

the apartment. I’ve forgotten other particulars. It did get eaten in the

end, but not without a lot of hysterics and tears in the butter sauce.

I opt for a future with a mutant lobster, a new breed that will make things

easier for everyone who loves to eat them. First, they should be so fat that

they waddle into the nets the fishermen provide. The loved ones left behind

should be provided for until their "day of the net" arrives. They should

have bigger guts and, of course, that means more of that green stuff. Softer

shells would make it easier to get to all that great meat. (Will I like it

as much if I don’t have to fight for it? Tune in next week, same time, same

station to find the answer.) They should also have two tails because so much

sweet meat is in the tail. Sometimes I order lobster tails. The meat is

great, but it’s no challenge. There’s no fun in eating meat that doesn’t

fight back. Still, lobster tails can tell no tales of runaway crackers

and dirty bibs. If they do, I try to listen and remain as generous as I can

be. I still can’t, however, promise that I’ll share my lobster with you. I

am, you see, very SHELLFISH!

If you enjoyed the article above, please be sure to visit the site

for more humor combined with good research by the same author

http://www.ingestandimbibe.com

Eat, Drink and Really Be Merry

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Article: Restaurant Lobster Fare: Nearby Diners Beware!

by Marjorie Dorfman

Recipes:

Hungarian Fish Gratin

Cod Provencale

Salmon Frikadeller

Pasta with Shrimp

Summer Mussels

www.eclecticcooking.com/CookingRecipes.htm

http://www.eclecticcooking.com/whatnew.htm

You may also submit your recipes directly on to our site here:

http://eclecticcooking.community.everyone.net

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Drinks Corner

Warning: Alcoholic drinks this week

1 part Martini extra dry

1 part gin

Decorate with an olive

1 part Martini Bianco

2 parts Sprite or 7-Up

2-3 Ice cubes

Serve with a slice of lemon or lime.

1 part Martini Rosso

2 parts ginger ale

Ice cubes

Serve with an orange slice

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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the 

men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his 

mother cooked.

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Nasturtiums have a spicy watercress flavor. Their delicate leaves are a great

addition to a green salad and are also wonderful in vegetable dishes, and 

omelets. Added to a pasta dish and a little olive oil, they add both color and 

flavor.

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Our Health and Nutrition links:

http://eclectic-healthy-cooking.subportal.com/health/

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Next Week’s Edition, Aug 14, 2002

Article: Six Meals a Day and Morning Song

By Lydia L. Jensen

Recipes:

Chicken in Estrogen Sauce

Potato-Vegetable Mix

Melon with Caramel Sauce

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